Shark Movie Review: Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009)

Jaws didn't just spawn the summer blockbuster. It also helped to popularise the sequel and the franchise, at least in the minds of film studios. Whilst it's sequels do not match up to the original film (contrary to what a recent The Daily Jaws poll may have suggested), they have left their own mark on pop culture. For example, the tag lines of Jaws II – Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water – and Jaws: The Revenge – This time, it's personal – are well known and famous in their own right.

Jaws is not the only shark film to spawn a sequel or franchise either. In terms of sequels and franchises, The Reef, Deep Blue Sea, Sharknado, 47 Metres Down, Open Water and Shark Attack (just to name a few) have all led to additional films using their names, albeit with differing levels of relation to the original.

Today's film – Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus – is another example of a film that spawned a franchise. It was created by The Asylum, an American film company who specialise in low budget horror films. If you like horror, you'll probably be familiar with them. If you aren't, I'll give you an idea of their output.

Some of their other shark films include the Sharknado franchise, the various headed Shark Attack franchise, Planet of the Sharks and Ice Sharks. It's other films include Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies, Titanic II and Nazis At The Centre of the Earth, aka Bloodstorm - which has one of my favourite lines ever when a Swastika bedecked spaceship rises in front of a plane and the pilots of the plane think the spaceship is full of Arsenal fans.

Asylum have a history of piggybacking on more well known films, perhaps hoping that an elderly relative will be sent to buy a particular DVD for Christmas and thinking to themselves, “Well, there can't be that many films about snakes getting on to public transport. This must be what they meant!” They aim to make films which are camp and unlikely to get any Oscar nominations. I have watched and enjoyed their films on many occasions whilst also being baffled or uninterested on an equal number of occasions. Some people do seem to have a real hatred of anything Asylum do though.

Before watching this film I saw the trailer and remembered that, whilst I haven't seen the film before, someone has sent me the trailer. One scene shown in particular sticks out for it's ridiculousness. At least if the rest of the film is like that, it'll be fun if nothing else. So let's find out if Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus is mega or a giant octo-pus take.

Plot

The film opens in a snowy mountain range, home of the dreaded ice shark. No, wait, that's a different film. It then cuts to a submarine under the water. Back and forth it goes between the mountains and the sea with the credits rolling over. It doesn't make much sense until finally we see the sea meet mountain somewhere in Alaska. A man in a helicopter gives some military chat and we learn that sonar testing is going on.

Part of a glacier slides into the sea and underneath the water is the submarine, piloted by Emma MacNeil (Deborah Gibson). She feels the submarine shudder from the glacier falling in but she ignores it as she is too busy studying whales nearby. There is some other wildlife nearby too including hammerheads and white tips, seals, rays and what I think is a sea snake.

A pod of whales is suddenly surrounding the submarine. Emma and her crew mate Vince (Jonathan Nation) watch on in awe but overhead the military man in the chopper drops something into the sea which disrupts their sonar. It disrupts the whales too as they begin ramming the glacier. Emma is perplexed by what is happening but not as much as I am. In an instant, the helicopter has crashed and the sub rocks. We get the first glimpse of our antagonists, frozen in ice until now. Somehow, having been freed from the ice, the mega shark and giant octopus swim away.

We now switch to a drilling platform off the Japanese coast. Some men are discussing how Japanese customs are different to American customs when the platform is rocked and huge tentacles spring out of the sea. It's all over in a flash and already I'm learning that this film will happily use the same CGI shots on multiple occasions.

Our tour of the Pacific Ocean now takes us to Californ-i-a. Emma and Vince are reminiscing about the whales when they see that the beach has been cordoned off by government agents. We know that they are government agents because of their suits and sunglasses. The only alternative is that they are Mafioso. They could call that film Sleeping With The Fishes.

Emma knows one of the scientists there who inexplicably is also in sunglasses. We know he is a scientist however because he wears a white lab coat. His name is Dick (Mark Hengst) and I'm presuming this could be an example of nominative determinism. There is some sort of deceased cetacean on the beach and one of the other scientists claims it was a boating accident, similar to the one that happened to the great white down the coast. But this was no boating accident and Emma for one simply won't accept that propellers caused these injuries. She is sent home by Dick with a warning about a board meeting.

Emma and Vince go drinking on the beach and she concocts a zany scheme to prove herself correct. She manages to make her way back to the whale corpse to examine it further with a warning from the cop on duty about the whale exploding. What can only be a massive tooth is pulled out and as long as she doesn't drop it to the bottom of the sea when checking out Ben Gardner's boat, she has her proof.

Back in Japan, one of the survivors of the octopus attack is furious about being detained. He says that there wasn't a construction failure. A scientist, Dr Shimada (played by Vic Chao) believes him and wishes to discuss the events with him, but not before warning Allan that the people who have detained him can be an unpleasant bunch when they want to be. Allan begins to draw what he saw.

A plane is flying above the clouds and is coming into land. There is some mild, non-Godzilla related turbulence to scare the passengers a little. They settle down and what follows will be familiar if you've seen the trailer for this film. An enormous shark has leapt clear out of the ocean and bites onto the plane that has just come through the clouds, sending it tumbling into the sea.

Emma has been given her P45 (or whatever the American equivalent is) and is using the tooth as a bookmark. It suddenly gives her inspiration and she begins typing on her computer. She goes to meet Professor Sanders (Sean Lawlor). Professor Sanders remembers Emma fondly and tells her not to worry about 'the Feds' following her. She wants to show him something to get his opinion.

Some very noughties editing leads us to a house where Emma and the professor study the tooth. I'm half expecting a montage to break out, perhaps with them getting an ice cream, trying on different hats and having a water fight before falling exhausted into each other's arms. The reality isn't quite that. The professor gets them both a nice cup of tea and shakes some red liquid whilst Emma look through a microscope. After loads of study and running information through the computer, the pair of them realise what the audience knew straight away – that they are dealing with a giant tooth.

The professor says that it likely comes from a megalodon but Emma refuses to believe it at first, despite literally seeing one in the ice. The professor explains that he saw a monster in his previous life working for the navy but knew nobody would believe him. At that moment, he gets a call from Dr Shimada.

Shimada arrives in San Francisco and we get to see first hand the different cultures at work as Shimada bows whilst Sanders shakes his hand. Emma and the doctor are making love eyes at each other almost straight away. Sanders plays the Hooper role, explaining that the Japanese government is completely unprepared for what is coming.

Dr Shimada has brought the drawings along and the survivor is quite the talented artist. As these three oceanographers try to work out what the beast with tentacles and the slit eye might be, the door bell goes and a package arrives for Emma. In it is a DVD with footage from the submarine Emma and Vince were on. They watch it and finally they have realised they are dealing with a giant octopus, although Emma thought it was a squid. I must admit it's difficult to make anything on the video out but as we're already ahead of the scientists, it doesn't really matter.

Out in the Pacific, a destroyer is searching for the shark. A fin closes in on the ship and the cap'n orders his men to open fire. Having thought the shark destroyed, the cap'n is dismayed to find it back on the radar and gives a dramatic, “It rises,” in awe and surprise at his quarry's resilience. The shark begins to ram the ship and the cap'n screams.

Back at Chez Sanders, the professor gives Emma a drink although I don't think she needs it considering how fast she went from asleep to sitting up. As he is fetching the doctor a drink some men with guns burst in and the professor gives the impression that he has dealt with this sort of thing before.

The three are detained at a place called Treasure Island (no joke) and spoken to by Allan Baxter (Lorenzo Lamas) who I'm going to affectionately christen Long John Slither (or LJS for short). LJS threatens Shimada with forced Hari Kari and mocks Emma. He's actually (sort of) complimentary towards the professor as he made claims about the existence of monsters years before.

Long John Slither wants the trio to find solutions as they can't have sharkzilla owning the sea. He then uses racist terms about the British and the Spanish to prove his argument before pointing out that he is an equal opportunities racist, which still means he's a racist so it's odd that he would point it out like it's an improvement.

It does set up the doc and the professor for a line about megalodon being an equal opportunities eating machine and Emma takes the chance to show that there is more than one culprit. They have a plan to trap the creatures in Tokyo Bay and San Francisco Bay respectively but need to work out how to lure them in.

There is another science montage (I've no idea what the point of it is – they spend most of it pouring different colour liquids into jars and pulling faces) and then the doctor gets to know Emma a little better. The pair kiss, seemingly forgetting for a moment that the professor is behind them. Emma then decides to go for a walk and Shimada follows. The two have sex and now I'm not sure if they are still under armed guard or if that's just for when they are sciencing. They realise that the scent that attracts them to each other (or something) can be used to attract the animals into the bay areas.

Emma pours some more liquid into a jar and she gets a peck on the cheek from both the professor and the doctor. Perhaps a love triangle will emerge. I must admit that the previous scene came somewhat out of the blue and is perhaps even less realistic than the idea of a shark leaping up to the clouds to destroy a plane.

Slither is let in on the idea and he does generic ambiguous mystery man in authority dialogue as even more liquid is poured into jars. Shimada heads back to Japan whilst Emma and Sanders prepare for the incoming arrival. A jet flies over the ocean to study the target but ends up flying too low and is smashed into pieces by a flailing tentacle. I'm not expert on physics but I would've thought the jet would be flying too fast for that to happen and that the octopus would be equally wounded by the strike.

Emma and Professor Sanders are back in the submarine that cost Emma her job. They make their way to the seafloor and try to drop the goo with 'the scent' but it the submarine won't release it. To make matters worse, the shark is only about five minutes away. The pair try to make a getaway but apparently the shark can swam at 500 knots, or faster than a jet to those of us who aren't so nautical. On the surface, the navy begin firing at the shark and again it disappears off the radar. Thinking their work is done, Slither celebrates.

Alas, it was premature and the shark bites into the boat. It isn't done there however. It's next target is the Golden Gate Bridge and the shark bites into it, creating a huge hole. To make matters worse, the shark has vanished again. Over in Tokyo, Shimada has had similar luck, angering the octopus and escaping.

Slither goes all Vladimir Putin and threatens to shower the place with nukes but the scientists point out the stupidity of such an act. The three say that this must not happen as LJS is on the phone to the pentagon but Shimada suggests they get some rest because it's not as though time is of the essence.

To be fair, the idea works. Emma has a crazy dream and she wants to have the two creatures fight in a boxing match. Or failing that, just your every day battle of the leviathans. To get them to fight the scientists will use 'the scent' to lure the creatures in again. The evidence they use does seem to suggest that the ice age just happened one day, hence the two getting frozen in place whilst they were fighting. This is not how weather works. I'm starting to think that Emma, Sanders and Shimada aren't really scientists.

The scientists (since they're using 'the scent' can they be called The Three Musketeers?) are on their respective submarines, with Emma using woman's intuition to tell the submarine crew where the shark is going. The Musketeers quote Julius Caesar to each other and the lovers bid each other adieu before Emma is summoned to the bridge.

Some Russians are under attack somewhere close by and the submarine closes in to try to lure their assailant. They don't need to wait long as the shark rams the submarine, doing relatively little damage considering it could take down a plane, destroy a bridge and bite a destroyer in half.

A chase ensues and the sub fires torpedoes at the shark, both of which miss. Just as the shark looks like it will catch up, another submarine fires, hitting the shark and sending it scurrying off. They promise to keep the shark at bay but the octopus appears out of the gloom, destroying the protective wolf pack subs. The remaining sub flees the octopus and heads for some ice at the behest of Sanders.

Over on the Japanese sub, Shimada tries to explain why only one of the American subs is now visible and demands that they help the remaining sub. As for the remaining sub, it has made it to the ice and lost the octopus only to gain the shark, which is following close by despite the narrow gap the sub is travelling through. The navigator loses his composure and wants to shoot his commanding officer, leading to a stand off. A shudder gives the crew a chance to overpower the mutineer and Emma knocks him out, ending our undercard and allowing Sanders to take up his old job and steer the sub.

They fire another torpedo at the shark and this lands a direct hit. However, the shark no sells it and carries on chasing. Just as all hope seems lost, the octopus's entrance music hits and it's tentacles grab the shark. And now it's time for our main event.

The octopus immediately has the upper tentacle and it looks as though it's going to choke the shark out when it gets a little too close to the shark's mouth. The shark bites, tearing off part of it's limb and the octopus lets go, relinquishing control of the fight. The squid inks in the shark's face and the two circle each other.

The sub gets hit and the shark has turned it's attention to the tin can full of people. It swims with the sub in it's mouth for a moment before Sanders can free them. As the shark gives chase, Sanders and Emma realise they must enter the mini sub to do what they need to do and Slither comes with them. It's not a moment too soon as the minute they release from the sub, the shark bites it in half. The shark turns it's attention to the mini sub and is close when the Japanese sub appears and fires to distract the shark. Unfortunately for Shimada, the octopus was just behind it and it disables the sub.

Emma insists on going to help the sub, much to the chagrin of Long John Slither. They forget what they are doing though as round two between the shark and the octopus has begun. The creatures go back and forth, with the octopus losing more limbs but seeming to keep the shark wrapped up and the two creatures begin to sink, still wrapped up with one another but either dead or exhausted. Shimada's voice speaks over the radio and Emma smiles.

Emma and Shimada sit on a beach, discussing their future together, when Sanders appears with a red document. Another chance of a lifetime has come up, this time in the North Sea. Excited, Emma and Shimada agree to go and the gang are off on another adventure, just as the still sinking squid waves us goodbye.

Ratings

Quality of the shark/s: The shark isn't great to be honest. There are some real sharks that are unrelated to the story which are real but the shark that the film is about is very obviously CGI. It doesn't help that they reuse shots of it over and over again.

Also, do sharks necessarily get scarier as they get bigger? Surely there must be a cut off point? Otherwise, why stop at 50 foot or 100 foot? Having a shark in suspended animation for millions of years that can travel faster than a jet already defies all known rules of biology so why not have a shark that's a kilometre long? Or perhaps even a shark that's bigger than the sun and it sits at the centre of the Milky Way but has always been mistaken for a black hole. After eating other planets it now has Earth in it's sights and only a rag tag band of Z-list actors can stop it, inevitably with explosions.

I suppose the question to ask is at what point does eating humans become the shark equivalent of us living off hundreds and thousands?

2/10

Underwater Photography: There was actually a bit of underwater life in this film. There were some hammerheads in the opening, even though hammerheads don't venture that far north, as well as some other marine life scattered throughout. It was an improvement on the last couple of films I've reviewed in this department albeit nowhere near scaling the heights that the likes of Mako managed to achieve.

Also, the octopus and the whale pod were CGI so no points for them.

5/10

Suspense: I guess the finale had some suspense but for the most part I found this film a little boring. Asylum films can be hit and miss and this was one that fell into the latter category, for me at least. It was daft but not daft enough to keep me entertained.

3/10

Characters and Story: Deborah Gibson was okay in this but I found the professor a bit weird. We're also introduced to some characters early on who just never appear again which raises the question of why they were there at all.

In other reviews the fact that one of the romantic leads was Asian has drawn praise so I guess there is that. I can't say it particularly adds to the film though other than giving Slither an opportunity to be racist. As he explains though, he is an equal opportunity racist so he'd have been mouthing off about anyone not from America. That's why it's okay and he's not really a racist. Or something. I'm not sure what they were going for Slither but he was neither intimidating nor particularly dominating considering he works for shady government people. In fact, having seen the punch that Emma dishes out, I reckon she could've battered him.

As for the story, the film is called Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus yet there was very little fighting between two creatures who'd been locked in battle in a sheet of ice for millions of years and who we are constantly told absolutely detest each other. Yet their first move after escaping the ice is to go in completely different directions. The fights themselves were relatively lifeless too with the same situations being repeated over and over again.

What was with those montages?

3/10

Watchability: As I said, I found this film quite dull. The shark attacking the plane was entertaining enough as was it's attack on the Golden Gate Bridge but aside from that there isn't much to recommend. The fight scenes between the titular creatures were a real let down.

1/5

Other factors: After the shameless rip-offs that Ghost Shark happily used, I'm actually going to give a point for them resisting that temptation for the most part. Not much else to add here. The music was typically pieces by Bach if you are interested. I can't say any of it stood out though.

1/5

Total - 15/50

Another ponger of a film. I enjoy shark films and I enjoy a so bad, it's good effort but this wasn't very enjoyable. I thought Cruel Jaws would be the standard bearer for rubbish when I saw it but I enjoyed that way more than this. I have a rule which means I won't watch Jaws more than once a year as I don't want to ruin it for myself which has happened to me before (particularly with music). I may be forced to watch it soon however as I need to cleanse my palate after watching Ghost Shark and the first instalment of the Mega Shark franchise.

Alternatively, I could just watch the second instalment in the presumably vain hope that I will be a bit nicer towards it.