Shark Movie Review: Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

What sequels are better than the original? There aren't many for my money. Most people would say Terminator 2 is better than the original although the first Terminator film is very underrated in my opinion. Some would say The Godfather's sequel is superior to the original but plenty would disagree (almost all would agree that the third film in that series is definitely not the best one). Star Wars fans may prefer The Empire Strikes Back whilst Aliens is considered by plenty of film fans to be an upgrade on the original. For the record, I'd also recommend the second Texas Chainsaw Massacre to you, dear reader, although this is a very controversial opinion.

That being said, the sequels to Jaws are vastly inferior. Jurassic Park's sequels range from decent to abysmal and American Psycho 2 wasn't even meant to be a sequel to the original according to it's star Mila Kunis. In the wrong hands, a sequel can even be detrimental to the original film, as though it drags down the average.

Before watching Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus, I was expecting more of the same. The first film wasn't anything special. Indeed, it ended up with the joint second worst score overall. It wasn't without it's charms however. I have retrospectively thought that I should have given slightly different scores to some of the films I've watched and that was perhaps one of them. I'm not talking about a huge upgrade in it's score but it at least seemed to be written with a wink and a nod.

Monster films can rarely be accused of taking themselves too seriously, which is perhaps why people are drawn to them. When films like that do take themselves a bit too seriously, they tend to flop, with the odd exception. 1998's Godzilla is a good example. It has a pretty good cast and yet offers little, especially to people who are au fait with other Godzilla films.

With all that in mind, I'm not expecting much from Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus. More of the same seems likely from this franchise, as the point of sequels is to give the audience more of what made the

first film popular or sell-able. Hopefully it's not a crock of shhhhhark food.

Plot

The opening credits show an island that may be intended to invoke memories of Jurassic Park. This is a bold strategy as it may just have the audience wishing it was watching that film from the off. We're then told that the film is set in the Central African nation of DR Congo. Perhaps the island is on one of the enormous lakes in the region. Perhaps it's off the strip of land to the country's west that meets the Atlantic. All I know is that there would probably be better location settings for an island way out to sea.

In case the rip off wasn't clear to the viewer by now, some people are working in a mine, guarded by a man with a big gun. Two of the miners disagree on taking some plunder for themselves and the gunman, Mr Ross, informs the man who discovered the 'diamond' that it is in fact a shell. The mine looks as though it's going to collapse and the miners attempt to flee but Mr Ross orders them back to work by firing into the ceiling. Another rumble from the rocks causes the miners to lose their nerve and take a chance at running away. Mr Ross is angry but when he hears a growling sound his curiosity is piqued. There is another growl and an improbable large set of jaws swallow Mr Ross. This is not the shark from Jaws IV. This is a crocosaurus. The miners disappear off into the trees as the animal leaves the cave, comically flattening a straggler as it does so.

Elsewhere, in the Atlantic Ocean, the USS Gibson (perhaps named after Debbie from the first film?) is sailing. On board, an angry man shouts for the 'whale and shark guy' a.k.a. McCormick. McCormick is played by Jaleel White, who was Steve Urkel in Family Matters and Sonic the Hedgehog in various iterations of the TV show related to the legendary game.

He has a great white shark in a tank and is trying to imitate the sounds of a dying fish to get the shark to move away. There is a lot to unpack from that sentence. Presumably this is ongoing research, meaning that he has either successfully managed to figure out how to keep great whites in captivity (doing this would make him insanely rich) or is just sweeping the sea clean of the sharks so he can experiment on them. Also, I wasn't aware that fish would make noise at all, let alone when they were dying. Finally, sharks are well known for their senses which are useful for detecting when an animal is in distress and may be an easy catch. If a fish does emit noises to tell all the other fish that it's dying, why would that put a shark off? Perhaps he's just not a very good researcher.

The captain of the vessel shows McCormick what I can only describe as a rainbow coloured waterfall on a screen and McCormick informs him that a pod of whales doesn't look like that. The captain knows what McCormick is getting at and reminds him that 'The shark is dead!' McCormick is not happy and finds his love interest, Corinne. She tries to calm him with the promise of fornication at thirteen hundred hours but McCormick is thinking only of his hydrophonic speakers.

After fetching the speakers – it took a little longer as he forgot the way to his research lab – McCormick is about to drop the speakers when a megalodon throws itself over the ship in a manner that reminds me of the high jump. Considering that the last film saw the megalodon pluck a plane out of the sky, this effort is a little disappointing. McCormick finds Corinne napping in a pool of blood and has to be dragged away.

Meanwhile, the sailors begin firing at a fin which is literally taller than the warship. McCormick goes to fetch something and has to run past more bodies. Presumably all these people have just banged their head because they are in places that are otherwise unscathed. The shark does the high jump again and this time creates an explosion. A third jump gets the same results and the ship starts to sink. Thankfully, McCormick had managed to put on a diving suit so he can inform everyone else back on land of the events that unfolded. I'm certain they'll believe him.

Back on Isla Nubar, or should that be DR Congo, our Robert Muldoon character (Gary Stretch) is traipsing through the jungle. There are some bats up in the tree but Muldoon is here for a boar on the ground. Muldoon speaks to someone in English and receives the reply in French. The two continue this conversation in two different languages despite the fact that they can both clearly understand each other in both languages. I've seen this in films a lot and I don't get it. I live in a multilingual household so I can understand that people do use more than one language in the same place. It's just that they with then get the reply in that language too.

An Australian woman (Hannah Cowley) appears and stammers out Muldoon's name, which is Nigel Putnam. The other men gawp as though they have never seen a woman before and Putnam enquires about the nature of her visit. She confirms that the locals are scared by a weird creature and that they'll double what he's being paid. They'll even triple it if he can bring it in alive. He agrees and leaves with Miss Australia, which is what she shall be called from now on.

Miss Australia tries to speak to Putnam as they fly over the jungle in a helicopter, perhaps unaware that the noise would be too great to do so. This would explain why Putnam isn't really responding and is looking at her a little disdainfully when she asks if he has ever found any ghosts, goblins or magical creatures on his adventures. He eventually makes it clear that he doesn't like working for the people destroying the land as Australia's employers are and they agree to just do monster hunting.

On the ground, Australia writes Putnam a cheque so that the deaths can be written off as a methane leak. Putnam disagrees and points out that Miss Australia is standing in the creature's footprint. It's big but I think the T-Rex's footprint is bigger. Nearby, Putnam finds the remains of a person and pulls out a tooth whilst smiling. He sniffs the tooth – that's a new one on me – and Miss Australia leaves, understandably horrified by seeing the remains that Putnam is so comfortable with.

Miss Australia is not a clever girl. She gets too close to the edge of a lake or a river, something that you shouldn't do in a jungle even if a giant crocodile is running around and slips. Instead of just getting out, she gets into deeper and deeper water when she spots a crocodile. Her stupidity costs her her life when she stands on the giant crocodile and it devours her.

The CGI crocosaurus chases Putnam into a cave. He tries to run away underneath the animal but it swallows him. Fortunately for Putnam, he was ready and was able to tranquillise the animal from the inside, causing him to be spat out again. He sends the croc off to a couple of men with a boat but they want a lot of money to transport this mothercrocker.

Over in Los Angeles, McCormick is having a top secret meeting about what he saw. As he begins to get into details, Special Agent Hutchinson of the NOAA (Sarah Lieving) kicks the investigator out of the room, giving us an insight into the shoddiness of this investigation first hand. McCormick is blaming himself as he believes it was his work that attracted the megalodon. Now he's out for revenge.

Out on the Atlantic, the crocodile is being transported but there are some concerns about how long the tranquillisers will work. From overhead, we see a large fin edging closer to the ship. The shark rams the ship a couple of times and the croc is woken up by the noise. A confusing scene follows in which the crocodile is freed but Putnam and another man seem to jump into the ocean. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Elsewhere, in the same ocean, an admiral tells a lieutenant about his love of fine cigars. He's a little concerned he won't be able to smoke the one he has as he was saving it for when he killed a monster. McCormick is there too, out for his bloodthirsty revenge.

On a tiny island in the middle of nowhere, Putnam and his associate have washed up on shore and for some reason there are people living there, including kids. The kids try to bury Putnam alive and he threatens one of them with a gun in response. As we see more of the island, there are features that were not present on the overhead shot and it is perhaps not as deserted as it should be. There's a bar and a nice beach with shaded areas for example. Putnam gets himself a drink and for the second time in half an hour, a woman walks into a bar looking for him. This time it's the NOAA agent. She buys Putnam a bottle of whiskey and just like that he's going off with her.

He wonders if she is interested in him but is informed that 'smelly, middle aged children' aren't her type. He tells her that the crocodile will be impossible to kill but she assumes he means the shark. He tells her that is not the case and they're off to find their monsters.

A fisherman casts off near some pretty large breakers but has no luck. Maybe something is scaring the fish away. Something like A GIANT CROCODILE!!! He tries to climb to the top of a cliff but slips and with quite possibly the worst CGI seen in these film reviews so far, the crocodile snaps it's jaws way away from the fisherman. The fisherman is gone. It better be worth it when the crocodile fights the shark. If it fights the shark. None of the kills have been entertaining due to the terrible CGI. At least they were trying to make them memorable in ....Giant Octopus.

Back on board the ship, our main characters converge in the same place. McCormick and Putnam exchange barbs and the duo, along with Agent Hutchinson, are sent to look at some eggs. Are they crocodile eggs or are they shark eggs? Perhaps they're octopus eggs. Either way, it seems like quite a waste of time when there is a megalodon and a giant crocodile causing chaos right now. It shows a surprising lack of restraint from the military considering their role in these types of films is usually to just blow things up.

Whilst McCormick is lowering his hydrophonic speakers into the water, Putnam creeps all over Agent Hutchinson and suggests they

search for a nest. They go looking for the eggs near a cave but their expedition is fruitless. Hutchinson lends Putnam some heat sensitive binoculars and he sees the eggs under the water. Additional company shows up in the form of the shark.

Hutchinson orders a missile attack, much to the chagrin of Putnam. The trio go to leave in a helicopter but not before the shark makes a half arsed attempt to get them by jumping out the ocean as they are ascending. It doesn't seem very smart as it is likely to beach but fortunately, the enormous monster can defy ordinary rules. The crocodile has overheard the missile attack being ordered too and bursts through a cliff face. Are we about to see the two monsters go at it?

No, we aren't. At least not yet. The missiles get some of the eggs but somehow miss the massive crocodile. Credit where it's due, the navy actually alerts people to the danger and evacuates at-risk areas. I have to think however that tanks on the street to hopefully prevent any attacks would cause more uproar than the threat of an enormous crocodile these days.

A submarine is tracking the shark and fires a torpedo, which the shark duly grabs the torpedo in it's mouth without exploding. It breaches and releases the torpedo back into the ocean as it falls back. Elsewhere, the crocodile has reached land and is attacking an arena bedecked in posters advertising the last Mega Shark film. At this point, I'm almost pining for it. At least Debbie Gibson was likeable enough in that one. The croc downs a news helicopter into the Orange Bowl, perhaps wishing to show it's disdain for the American media.

McCormick says some sciencey things and mentions a nuclear reactor so that proles such as myself can get the gist of his plan. The ship ring up the nuclear power plant and order the plan to be carried out and, after a little bit of hesitation, the man at the nuclear power plant agrees. They want an arc flash to hit Orlando.

Over in Orlando, Shamu is showing off to a crowd at Sea World but not for the first time, the orca is sunk. On this occasion, it's by the increasingly large crocodile. The croc stamps on a tank as it beats a hasty retreat back to water. Speaking of water, the shark is not doing any harm out in the ocean and the ship which our heroes are aboard is expecting the imminent arrival of the eggs.

We cut to a scientist examining one of these eggs, which is intact despite being the subject of a missile attack. There are noises coming from the inside of the egg yet the scientist repeats the trick of being behind the audience when it comes to the bloody obvious.

The shark must want omelette because it chases down two of the eggs being transported, having taken out a submarine (finally). It successfully captures the other two eggs, allowing our heroes to draw up a plan to lure the shark and the croc to the Panama Canal with other eggs. McCormick objects on the grounds that a million people will be in danger but as they aren't American, the other characters aren't too fussed. The plan is set.

A sub goes hunting for the eggs on Putnam's boat. Some bad driving nearly causes it to sink like the Titanic but the damage isn't too bad and they find more completely intact eggs at the bottom of the ocean. We also find out that they intend to drown the shark in the locks of the canal, seemingly forgetting that it could do the high jump and even pluck planes out of the sky. It's only two miles from the canal so it's too late to change plans now.

The assault begins but the shark is seemingly unfazed, giving a roar as it swims through numerous explosions. We get a repeated shot from the earlier attack on the original warship and then a plane is taken out at it leaves an aircraft carrier. The pilot's sacrifice was not entirely in vain however as the shark enters the first lock and the truly abysmal CGI crocodile isn't far behind.

Finally, the two monsters begin grappling, just as the air force fire more shots at them. The shots create some explosions without actually damaging anything they are hitting and the croc and the

shark manage to create a tidal wave that would wipe out the local area if the effects budget was bigger. A marine biologist I've listened to said that a saltwater crocodile would beat a great white in a fight so it follows that this should be the outcome in this fight too.

The admiral has realised that the crocodile has laid many eggs in different locations as she apparently has the ability to reproduce faster if her children are in danger. If those eggs hatch, we'll have an acrocalpyse! And what's more, it looks like that is exactly what is about to happen.

The shark is now apparently headed to Hawaii even though this is in the Pacific Ocean and it typically takes ships at least six hours to traverse the Panama Canal. It's being followed by a nuclear submarine which fires off nuclear weapons at the shark. Naturally, it misses. The shark is unimpressed by such behaviour and attacks the sub, setting off some generic rock music. Infuriated that the CD player doesn't have any Reel Big Fish, it swallows the submarine whole, which must absolutely destroy it's digestive system. It's also now carrying nuclear weapons.

Meanwhile, the crocodile eggs are all hatching and the babies are all heading to Hawaii, ostensibly for plot purposes. As our heroes realise this, the mama croc leaps and knocks their helicopter out of the sky. McCormick has a weird moment when he seems to mistake Hutchinson for his fiance, even though they don't look anything alike. Putnam manages to convince McCormick to leave her before he gets too odd.

Putnam then theorises that the young crocs are heading here to help their mother, which is downright decent of them. Unfortunately, the shark swallows a few that have arrived. Putnam and McCormick do their best Baywatch impression and there is another confusing scene which has the crocodile, now on land having been out at sea seconds earlier, seemingly wounded and then blown up only to be back in the sea fighting the shark in the next cut scene.

The two creatures continue fighting whilst McCormick and Putnam sail out to sea in a motorised dinghy which I presume the monsters could use as a toothpick for their larger prey. McCormick's plan to lure them in with his speakers finally works and the two creatures give chase. A scene with the shark attacking the croc from the side whilst the little crocs swim by uselessly is repeated and the duo spot Hutchinson in the helicopter, seemingly unscathed from the near fatal crash it suffered.

A volcano goes off at that moment, engulfing the little ones. The crocodile and the shark wrestle once more but are sinking into the orange oblivion in a similar way to the previous film and Hutchinson claims that the creatures are toast. The naval crew celebrate, Hutchinson smiles and the helicopter flies off into the sunset.

Ratings

Quality of the shark/s: Somehow, the shark was even worse. At times it almost looked like clip art and the movement of the shark was just bizarre at times. If you watch the film you'll see what I mean.

2/10

Underwater Photography: Nothing to speak of. At least the first Mega Shark film had a little bit of sea life, even if a lot of it was CGI.

1/10

Suspense: Not much in the way of suspense. The plot jumped around too much and I didn't really care what happened to anyone in the film.

1/10

Characters and Story: I didn't take to any of the characters. The most relatable was Putnam but he would drunkenly leer at the women in the film. Hutchinson was just an arsehole to everyone and McCormick did nothing for me. The majority of the other characters were just generic military types.

2/10

Watchability: I found this film quite tedious. The fight between the monsters was dull and just repeated the same shots and action from the last film. It's difficult to see how any of the other films in this series could be less watchable. The crocodile's attacks looked abysmal too.

1/5

Other factors: Nothing to really speak of. I have racked my brains for something that I can award a point for in this section but there is just nothing.

0/5

Total – 7/50

The first single digit score of these reviews. I can't stress enough how little I would recommend this film, even to aficionados of the genre (of which I am one). It is charmless and made me appreciate the first Mega Shark film a lot more as I didn't realise it could sink to these depths. This was one of the hardest reviews to write so far as I don't like to be negative about other people's art. I've been on the receiving end of bad reviews and they can really sting. But this... It has nothing to offer. Even the kills are crap. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

The League Table So Far

The Reef – 41
The Reef: Stalked – 31
Shark Bait - 29
Mako: The Jaws of Death – 27 Pool Shark - 25
The Requin - 21
Cruel Jaws – 16
Bull Shark – 15
Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus - 15 Ghost Shark – 13

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus - 7

Words by Jamie Tingle

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