20 Things That Prove You Are A True Jaws Fan
JAWS fans are special people. A unique breed. And if there is any truth to territorialty at all, there’s a good chance of spotting one if they display any of the following 20 things that prove they are a tre Jaws fan.
20. Whether you’re on dry land, in a bath tub, on a boat or even lying on an inflatable raft at the beach, if you hear an E played low down on a piano, then an F, then an E, then an F again and finally, out of nowhere a low D… Your blood runs cold.
19. Sometimes when you’ve had a really long difficult day, it honest-to-God feels like 3 WEEKS!
18. To you, the name Bruce, makes you think of one thing. Not a man in a vest and no shoes holding a gun, or another man singing loudly about the country he was born in or even another man with an unfeasibly long chin, wearing a scrappy wig telling really bad jokes. You think of a 25 foot shark that weighs 3 tons.
Bruce the shark from Steven Spielberg's JAWS
17. You really wish Narraganset beer was available to buy outside the US.
16. If you meet someone who’s never seen Jaws, you feel sad. Then very, very confused.
15. You regularly wear double denim and talk so fast you sound like a chipmunk operating a machine gun.
Richard Dreyfuss as Matt Hooper in Steven Spielberg's JAWS
14. If someone raises a glass and says “Here’s to swimmin’ with bow-legged women,” you know they’re the sort of madman who’ll be a friend for life.
13. A friend gets a new job and tells you they have a Corner Office, you laugh at the typo. They look at you like you’re nuts.
12. You know the Muffin Man very well indeed, some might say too well.
11. On more than one occasion you’ve tried to recreate the ‘Dolly Zoom’ with your iPhone.
10. If someone asks what you do, you fix them with a cold eye and intone ominously… “Y’all know me, know how I earn a livin’” and they back quietly away, desperately looking for the exit.
9. When an acquaintance, who knows you love Jaws, tries to be cool and says “We’re gonna need a bigger boat,” you make a mental note to cross them off your Christmas card list. if there’s one thing you can’t stand it’s someone who misquotes your favourite movie.
8. You hear a clanging bell in the distance, you stay very still and, just to be sure, check you’re not skinny dipping.
7. Red or white wine? Who gives a shit!
6. For some reason that you’ve yet to work out you’ve started to notice the colour yellow everywhere you go.
Why yellow is the most important color in Jaws
5. If someone accuses you of something, you always (without batting an eye) point to the nearest small child and shout “He talked me into it!”
4. If you see a black dog chasing sticks at the beach, you just smile - dogs are smart, she’ll be fine.
3. If you get really wasted, which of the following options do you choose?
Visit a deserted boathouse with a friend and cut open a dead animal
Go out on your friend’s boat with him
Fool around
All of the above.
2. You’re cornered by some halfwit who says, “Jaws is alright, but just imagine how awesome it’d be if they redid those crappy effects with CGI!” Silently, you curse them and call upon the dark gods of the movie-underworld to subject them to an eternity of watching Postman Pat: The Movie in a provincial cinema on a cold, grey Tuesday afternoon. With no toilet breaks!
When your source material ain’t exactly Hemingway, your crew are on the verge of mutiny and your star point blank refuses to do what he’s told, you simply take a deep breath, open up the script and keep repeating a single mantra in your head:
‘Everything’s gonna work out in the end. All I need is three barrels…’ (not an actual quote).
Words by Tim Armitage
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