Ten essential rules on how to survive a shark movie
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Hello, Islanders!
If you’re reading this or, more importantly, are visiting The Daily Jaws it’s probably because you love a certain shark-themed film. And why wouldn’t you??
Though there were a few shark-themed films in the past, JAWS is the granddaddy of them all. The one that started a genre of film that continues today - the shark movie. So the next time you find yourself entering the cinematic waters of a shark movie, remember these 10 simple rules:
1. This is NOT going to be JAWS. No matter how much the filmmaker thinks it is, or how much You want it to be, it won’t be JAWS!
2. The above being said, you will notice that the filmmakers have, whether intentionally or not, stolen something from JAWS, be it a charcter name or subtle plot point.
3. The jump scares – and there will be many – will occur when the screen is at it’s darkest (under water, pitch black room). This is also true of most horror films but the ante’ always seems to be upped in a shark movie.
4. The shark, or sharks, are going to look terrible. Yes, they will be computer generated and will glike smoothly across the water. But they will look almost too slick and stealthy. I have yet to see a modern shark film where the sharks looked natural.
5. The louder the music, the closer the shark. The brilliance of John Williams’ classic score for JAWS is that the audience began to expect the shark when the now familiar music played. Then, in one scene, there was no shark. What the hell? I was expecting a shark!
6. Not every shark in the world is 20-foot long with a dorsal fin that touches the sky. Little sharks need to eat too.
7. There will always be one person you root for to be eaten who smugly escapes death. There will also be one person you are rooting for who will die a grisly death.
8. The average shark can swim 12 miles per hour. Michael Phelps, the most decorated swimmer in Olympic history, could swim just under 5 miles per hour. No matter how loud the music, or how deep the tension in a scene, there isn’t anybody on earth who can spot a fin behind them and casually out-swim a shark.
9. As declared in JAWS 2, sharks do not take things personally. Also, despite what you may have seen in JAWS the Revenge, sharks can neither roar of fly. They also can’t mate with other animals, so if you’re expecting a film featuring a Shakrtopus to be realistic you’re in for a sad lesson.
10. IT’S NOT GOING TO BE JAWS. Sit back with your popcorn and keep telling yourself this and you may actually enjoy the film.
Words by Michael A Smith. Michael is co-author of Jaws 2: The Making Of The Hollywood Sequel. You can order the book by contacting Michael at OsFanMike@aol.com.
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